There are times when I think about what my husband’s diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease has done to us and I want to cry. There are many things that I miss, the spontaneity in our relationship, my husband’s sharp wit, his smile. I miss being able to go and do things without having a pill alarm going off every 3 to 4 hours. I miss the openness of our schedules before we became tied to a regimen of medications, meals and naps. While we are still able to have great conversations, the pace is slower, and we’ve lost much of the playfulness. There are times when it feels like I am losing touch with the man I married and am living with a shadow of him instead.

Those are the times when I have to step back and take a breath. I look at our current lives and see the challenges we are conquering every day. How can I regret losing what we once had when we are still so involved in what is happening now?

 Instead, I find gratitude for the fact that we are still here and working together to keep going. There may be things that we can’t do anymore, yet there are also things that this illness has brought to us that have added to our relationship. We are being tested everyday with new challenges but there are also new opportunities. There are wonderful new people who would not have been a part of our lives were it not for this diagnosis. We have taken up new hobbies, such as boxing, that would have never happened outside the PD world. In many ways we are healthier than before and are finding strength we never knew we possessed.

I will allow myself to grieve any perceived losses only to the extent that I also recognize and celebrate the successes we encounter. I will do my best to minimize my negative feelings and maximize the positive activities in our daily lives that still bring happiness and fun. I will find private times to explore any sorrow for what might have been, so that I can let it go. I will find healthy ways to continue my personal journey as a CarePartner that won’t negatively impact our journey as we work together to face his diagnosis of PD.