I have been cranky this week, I know I have, and have been trying to overcome it because it is not my husband’s fault that I feel this way. I know that these feelings have everything to do with his disease and understand that he can’t help it. Being his CarePartner is tough at times and I find myself feeling upset and lost. It seems like I am a dung beetle pushing my burden up a hill and even though we are both working very hard, his illness continues to progress and the “dung” piles up.   

My message to others is usually to stay positive and look at what you have, not what you have lost. However, I still need to know that it is essential for my mental wellbeing to take time and acknowledge all of my feelings. I need to be able to grieve for what could have been so that I can accept what is, otherwise those negative feelings ferment inside me and impact everything I do. I need to recognize the anger when my husband needs help with basic life skills like dressing and is no longer able to share with many of our household duties. I need to spot the frustration when it takes two or three times as long for him to get in and out of the car. I need to be able to understand my sorrow when I see the man I married trapped in a body that doesn’t work well anymore even though he tries so hard. And I need to know that it is okay to feel these things.

The most important thing I need to know on this journey is that none of this is our fault. Parkinson’s Disease is a diabolical enemy in that it attacks both of us in different ways and can push us apart as we struggle to surmount the challenges. I need to remember that it is okay to hate the illness, but that I will always love the man.