This is definitely not how I expected life to be when we both retired. We were going to travel and I was going to have time to explore new interests. I was going to write a novel and finally get it published. Life was going to be easy and fun. Then, my husband developed a tremor that shook our entire world.

And so, our plans have changed. Not quite the travels we anticipated, we get to go back and forth to visit his neurologist and other specialists regularly. Instead of writing that novel, I am writing a blog about caring for someone with a chronic illness. The new interests we have developed all focus on PD and finding ways to make life better whether it is through boxing or support groups. And all that extra time I was going to have? I spend it doing work around our home, chores that he once was able to do, or helping my husband with his daily living activities.

Yes, I do miss the carefree man that I married and yes, I do wish he had never been diagnosed with this illness. There is a sadness deep inside, a piece of me that grieves the life we might have had and wonders where it might have taken us. I miss his easy smiles and quick wit. Yet, I know that he is still here with me. So, on those days when I am feeling particularly nostalgic for what might have been, I take a look beyond the PD at what we do still have and find the love. We are still here, we are still moving, and we will keep on fighting this disease together. As I grieve for what might have been, I will rejoice for what we still have and look forward with an open heart to new opportunities we will share in the future.

For more on dealing with your feelings of grief check out this article entitled “Grief and Loss” on the Family Caregiver Alliance website.