We have had an interesting week. It started on Monday when we did our taxes and learned that we owe the government about $500. It’s been really cold out, so much so that I am getting a low-air warning light for the tires on my car. I’m hoping that will resolve itself when things warm up. It’s too cold to go out for a walk, we are trapped in our house. There were a couple of minor home maintenance issues- a ceiling light in the kitchen went out and the smoke detector started beeping, of course in the middle of the night, so I had to change the battery. Then, our heat pump decided to stop working. It took 2 days, 2 heat pump technicians and an electrician before finally getting that resolved. We had lots of stressful events that have nothing to do with PD, yet I have to face them with grace and patience. It’s exhausting.

If we think about my role as CarePartner, I struggled to keep up. Meals happened mostly on time; I missed a bit of one of his exercise classes but was close by. I did my best to keep the temperature in our home comfortable and to keep things running on an even keel. I don’t know if it was related to all the stuff happening, but my husband took a fall in the bedroom. He has a sore shoulder but is otherwise okay. I know it was not my fault that he fell, but I still feel guilty. Perhaps if I hadn’t been distracted by all the other stuff, I would have been paying more attention to him. Then on Thursday, after spending the entire day dealing with repair people and keeping my calm, I lost it with my husband. He was doing something nice for me and I grumped at him for no reason. I apologized but the damage was done. More guilt piled onto an already stressed-out mind.

I get hit with a lot of unexpected stuff as a CarePartner. When things go wrong, I often feel like I am trapped between my husband, who used to take care of these things, and actually tackling the problem. It’s difficult to explain but it seems very much like a no-win situation. Feeling responsible for his well-being adds another layer of complexity to an already difficult situation. If I remember to breathe, to stretch, to stop for just a moment and think about all I am being asked to do, I realize that I am okay. I am not wonder woman, but I am a good CarePartner working to do things the best I can. I just need to remember how much I am trying to handle and know that somehow, we’ll make it through.