I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and her homework assignment for me was to look more closely at my feelings around the loss of control in my life. In the time we have been working together she has heard me talk about how difficult some days are when it seems like everything I do has a PD slant. I have spoken wither about the things we have had to give up and the difficult time I have watching my husband struggle with his symptoms. She asked me the question, “how much of your concern is the actual loss and how much of this relates to your loss of control?”   

I know she’s right. I am, and always have been, somewhat of a control freak. I like to plan things out, I make lists, I don’t do things unless I can do them well. I like to be the one making the decisions because it means that I can control the outcomes. I used to joke that I was put on this earth to learn patience but I think now that I may be here to learn the art of letting go. It’s really tough to trust that things will go right if I am not in charge.

PD has taken over the leading role in our lives however there is one thing it will never control and that is my personal reaction to everything that is happening. I am figuring out how to stop my immediate reactions which are often negative, think things through, and then respond positively. I am finding ways to trust in what may come rather than attempt to stop it from coming. I am working on adding the skill of letting go when things spin out of my control. What is going to happen will happen, I just need to find peace with it and understand that it can still be okay.