As a CarePartner I am always hearing that I should take care of myself first. It’s good advice but not always useful. I would love to always do things that meet my personal requirements, but I also have a responsibility to my husband. His needs often outweigh mine and they can’t be ignored. This means that there are always going to be times when he is my priority. But, in those moments when there is a possibility that I might be able do something for me without taking away from him, I am going to grab onto it.

One example of a time that that creates conflict for us is bedtime. I like sleeping in a dark room, but we need some light in case he needs to get out of bed at night. Our compromise? A night light in the adjoining bathroom and a lighted clock with large numbers in our room. I sleep on the side of the bed away from the lights and it works pretty well. He also prefers light blankets that allow him to move around and I would sleep with a weighted blanket if I could. My compromise? I add a folded blanket to my side of the bed to give me more weight and warmth. Finally, he needs a firm mattress versus a softer one for me. We have a split king bed, two separate twin mattresses, which allow us to each get what we need.

There are other times throughout our days when our needs will collide whether it’s activities in our home, social engagements we can’t both manage, or even dietary choices. I try to remember that Parkinson’s is a shared diagnosis that requires accommodations from both of us. If we work together to meet our basic needs, then I know we can fit in opportunities for each of us to get more of what we need individually. Neither of us has to give up everything, and we can both still get through.