I have spoken in the past about the strength of the Serenity prayer and how I have used it on multiple occasions to get through tough situations. In case you are not familiar, a standard version of it used by many people goes something like this- “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” I love the message of peace and acceptance. In thinking about these words though, I have come up with my own version that is more appropriate to my situation as a Parkinson’s CarePartner and wanted to share it with you today.

My version addresses the fact that many of the frustrations in my life come from things my husband cannot change thanks to his diagnosis of PD. I need courage to accept those challenges he faces without nagging and understand that he is always doing his best. A little wisdom could help me figure out the things I need to change in my life to help him in his. I add a thought about directing my anger to the disease and not to the man I love. My final request for serenity is to find the peace and gratitude for the opportunity to share my life with him. Having said all of that, let me share my revised version of the Serenity Prayer for PD CarePartners that I send out to the universe as a whole.  

“Grant me wisdom today so that I can understand we have little control over the impact Parkinson’s Disease has on our lives, grant me courage to accept the things my husband cannot change, grant me the capacity to hate this disease and love my husband regardless, grant me serenity to find gratitude for the opportunity to spend my life with this amazing man.” Feel free to adapt this as needed and I hope it brings you some semblance of peace today.

During a recent support group meeting a CarePartner expressed their concern about not being able to continue providing care for their loved one. This is such a tough topic. We all want to think that we can offer the care our loved ones need and keep them at home where they are most comfortable. It is definitely a worthy goal and one that I share. The reality of Parkinson’s Disease and aging, however, may mean that we reach a day when I am not able to provide the best care for my husband. There may very well come a time when I have to admit that our home, even with in-home caregivers, is not the best placement for him. We both have to be open to that possibility.

One of the benefits of being in a support group is that I have friends who are at all stages of this journey. I have been able to watch as other couples had to deal with this difficult choice. I have seen some Partners keep their loved ones at home for the duration and, with a lot of support they were able to make that work. I have also seen other situations where the Person with Parkinson’s moved into a facility where their particular needs could be better met. The couples were still able to stay connected through regular visits and the CarePartner was able to take better care of themselves too.

Just as this journey is different for everyone and totally unpredictable, I need to be careful making promises to my husband about what our future will look like. My husband knows that my father had Parkinson’s Disease and spent the final months of his life in a facility because my mother was killing herself trying to care for him. Dad was lost in his dementia, but in those few moments of clarity he understood she had done her best. My husband understands and accepts that I will always do my best for him which may mean handing his care over to professionals in a facility someday. We accept that at some point the choice could become not what he wants, or what I want, but how we can find the best level of care for both of us.

It’s spring and that means lots of outside chores as I try to get the house, yard and patio ready for the new season. So far this week I have washed windows, hauled patio furniture, and power washed our patio, all tasks we would have taken on as a team in the past. My body is telling me that I may have overdone things a bit, I think today is going to be an easier day.

What I tend to forget is how physically taxing these jobs are and that they will take longer than they did when there were two of us working. Whether I was leading the task or acting as the helper, it always went so much faster and was more fun. Added to that is the complication that I occasionally need to take breaks to check and make sure my husband is okay. Taking breaks is good but it slows the process down and makes what may once have been a 1 hour job into a much longer task.

I miss the days when we would get up in the morning, work together all day, and have the house and yard ready by nightfall. We’d go out and grab some dinner and all was well in our world. Now, however, one day has turned into a full week of half days and I’m doing it on my own. Getting it all done always gives me a such a sense of accomplishment though, as does the knowledge that once I finish we can sit out back together and enjoy our lovely backyard and patio.

As his symptoms progress, it becomes more difficult for my husband to get out of the house. When he does go out, it is usually for things related to his treatment plan like exercise classes or support groups. I am so thankful for all the people we have met through his diagnosis because they truly understand and accept us for where we are in our journey. And, while those are excellent opportunities for socialization, it is also necessary for both of us to have connections that are not part of our Parkinson’s network. We need people in our lives who know us for more than this disease and who remember who we were back when.

Family is one option and so we try to get together with our kids and extended family on a pretty regular basis. We may meet at our house, their house, or go out to eat at a restaurant. It helps us remain connected through a shared awareness of our history and love. Our caregivers have proven to be another good connection. Even though they come to provide care due to my husband’s diagnosis, they bring a breath of fresh air into the house twice a week.

Even something as simple as going to the grocery store or the local coffee shop can be helpful. We used to visit wineries with a group of friends but it has become a rare occurrence. My husband uses social media to stay in contact with some family and friends, thank goodness he can still do that. My challenge is to keep him going, keep him interested, keep him reaching out, because Parkinson’s can make our world very small if we let it. And I don’t intend to let that happen.

My tasks around the house are mostly routine and often boring. I cook, clean, shop, take care of our cat, fix things as needed, do minimal yardwork, but most of all I provide 24/7 assistance as needed for my husband. Yes, there are times when I wonder why I do it all. Then I look over at my husband and see his smile. I know exactly why as I remember what matters most.

Finding ways to be positive about housework isn’t tough because I am more comfortable in a tidy house. I know that keeping things sorted and put away is safer and means less stress for both of us. The more difficult question is how do I put a positive spin on some of the things I am asked to do for my husband? Quite simply, I tackle them with a smile and get them done so we can move on. It’s not his fault that he can’t manage certain tasks and I am truly happy that I am here and able to help. We make up funny names for unpleasant duties which seems to lighten the mood. Injecting humor in difficult challenges makes them easier for both of us to handle.

I sometimes forget that being a Parkinson’s CarePartner can be a somewhat unique opportunity. I get to see firsthand what this disease does to my soul mate and yet I still get out of bed every morning to face it with him. I get to modify plans and adapt our lives to a different reality that brings out the best and the worst in me depending on the day. I get to learn new lessons in compassion, patience, and resilience. Most importantly, I get to continue spending my life with the most amazing man I have ever known. The work can be heartbreaking as I watch his struggles, but it also brings unexpected rewards if I only know where to look.

It’s the old phenomenon where you hire someone to clean your house and then do a quick clean anyway before they come so they won’t think you’re messy. I have in-home care coming twice a week who have tasks designed to lighten my load and yet I still catch myself working to get ready for them. Or when they are here doing stuff I tell them not to worry about it, I’ll catch it later. It’s almost harder to let them do the work for me than it is to do the work myself! The other day my Wednesday lady looked at me and said, “Oh no, I don’t mind it. You just need to go on and enjoy your morning.” So I did.

Then there’s the yard work. I have a wonderful gentleman who comes weekly during the growing months to trim and clean up my yard. It’s not that I can’t do it, It’s just that he does so much better of a job and frees up so much of my time. But, I have flower and vegetable beds that I still choose to do myself. I like to be the one to trim my shrubs. My husband often asks why I don’t let them do it all for me. I’m not sure other than I need to feel I still have some control over our environment and this is where I have decided to draw the line. And when I need to move that line I know that all it takes is a quick text and my gardener is here to help.

Just as it’s hard for my husband to accept there are things he can’t do anymore, so it is for me too. I fantasize about being able to do it all, the house, the yard, and provide appropriate care for my husband and myself, but then I have to step back into reality. Accepting that I needed help was the first step, delegation the second, actually letting go and enjoying the freedom it allows is the third and final. Unfortunately for me, that may be the most difficult part.

I’ve mentioned this before, the anger I feel about the life Parkinson’s has taken away from us. Our retirement plans that have gone completely out the window.  The life I expected to live versus the life I find myself living. I’ve also talked about the necessity to direct that anger at the disease and not at my husband. This has been on my mind a lot lately and I think it may be time to revisit this topic.

Anger is a step in the grieving process but I feel like I may be stuck there. My journey is long, thankfully, and I still have my husband with me. There are those who would say this should be enough. How do I explain to them that I am grateful, but I really miss the other things we should be doing. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder where we would be if it weren’t for his diagnosis. What would be different in our lives besides just about everything?

Unfortunately loss and anger are going to be there for the rest of this journey so I might as well get used to it. I know my husband didn’t ask for this life either and he would much rather be traveling the real world with me instead of the world of PD. That doesn’t make the loss any less painful. So, rather than let the anger overwhelm me, I acknowledge the feelings and find creative ways to express them either through my writing or physical exercise. And in the middle of the night I close my eyes and go back to sleep so I can dream of all those trips we will never get to take.

My husband had a minor procedure done this week, a skin tag removed from a delicate area on his body, and it took about 10 minutes in the doctor’s office. After the doctor was done, the Medical Assistant handed me a packet of gauze, a plastic bottle and the assurances that aftercare was simple. Just rinse the area with warm water often, pack the wound and it should heal in about 2 weeks. I expressed my concerns that this is not an easy area to keep clean but she assured me that I would be able to do it as she packed the supplies in a paper bag and opened the door to send us on our way. Yes we will manage it, but what I quickly learned is that no, it is not easy.

This is not the first time this has happened. I understand that the hospital is not the best place for my husband to recover and that I, as his CarePartner, have become an alternative to a visiting nurse. Two minutes of instruction in the doctor’s office is supposed to provide me with all the training I need to provide care that even our paid caregivers aren’t qualified to do. It adds tasks to my already full days and stressors that keep me awake at night. Last night I was tossing and turning most of the night worried that I wasn’t doing things well enough and wondering what to do if he developed an infection.

This practice angers me and frustrates me because it makes me feel inadequate. I am learning to push back. I let the doctor and their staff know my concerns regarding aftercare. I ask for any supplies they can share, in the above case I got enough gauze to last the first day and a bottle that comes in really handy for rinsing the area. I would have asked for a set of gloves but already have them at home. I tell them I am worried so they won’t be surprised when I call back with more questions as his recovery proceeds. This is just another job that I get to do without training thanks to my husband’s diagnosis.