My husband and I just completed a remodel to one of our bathrooms so that it would be safer and we could “age in place”. We added a barrier free shower that is ADA compliant with grab bars and a handheld shower head for when one of us might be in a wheelchair. It looks beautiful and I am really enjoying it, unfortunately he has decided that he is more comfortable with our older setup and choosing to shower there.

My first reaction was surprise and anger. How can he not like it and why did we do this if he is not going to use it? Then I stopped to think, we did this because I wanted it, not him. I was the one worried about the future and what it might look like, I was the one pushing to make our space safer, I was the one who reached out to the Occupational Therapist and then to the contractor. I was looking for ways to make our lives easier and safer as my husband’s illness progresses not for him, but for me. I wanted to make sure that I was able to provide care if things turn bad, not thinking about what he might be wanting for himself. I was thinking as a CarePartner should, but forgot to take my husband’s current needs and capabilities into consideration.

We have been talking about making these changes for a long time. Right now, my husband knows best about where he feels safe and has the right to use the old shower if that is the one he prefers. Our goal in the remodel was to get the house ready for when one of us needs more assistance, we are not there yet. Instead of being upset, I simply need to step back and enjoy the new shower for myself, knowing that we are prepared for whichever one of us needs that extra help first.