I can hear it now, my husband saying, “wait a minute, what makes you think I don’t get angry and frustrated?” My answer to him is that when you have those feelings, you are allowed to express them. When I get them, I am expected to blame it all on the disease and get over myself. I am not allowed to show anger around him because it is not his fault, so I get to stuff all those feelings away for another day. I am reminded of the statement, “it’s not the person, it’s the disease.” Well, sometimes it is this person, his CarePartner, feeling the anger. Living in denial is not necessarily a healthy way to deal with negative emotions.

I get so frustrated when it takes him longer to get ready to go out that I often just choose to stay home instead. I get angry when he doesn’t engage in things with me, even normal conversations have become a challenge. It upsets me when I don’t get to do things because he doesn’t think he wants to or it sounds like it would be too difficult. It really bothers me when we spend money on mobility aids that he won’t use. There are times when I turn around and he is there and I just want to scream because I need to do something, and he is in the way. It makes me crazy to feel all these mixed emotions and then have to stuff them away.

My husband reads all my blogs before they are posted and I can imagine that this one may be difficult for him to understand. I love him so much and yet still these negative feelings exist some place in my mind. I have learned to accept our situation, set aside my feelings for the most part, and save my expressions of frustration and anger for my writing. It is good to have this outlet, otherwise I don’t know what I would do with all the negative energy. I can’t let it drive my days so I will keep writing about it and remember to focus on the positives. Look to what is going right, not what is going wrong as I strive to keep calm and CarePartner on.