This word has been sitting on my mind lately. What does it mean in a Parkinson’s driven world? What exactly is it that I am looking for clarity about? Do I want to know what’s coming next or simply understand what is happening right now? Is it clarity about how to deal with what my husband is facing or what I am facing as his disease progresses? His meds can sometimes give him something he refers to as a foggy brain, this diagnosis gives me a foggy everything.

If only I had a better handle on what comes next, I could feel more in control and relax into my role of CarePartner. The uncertainty of my husband’s diagnosis keeps me guessing from day to day, even from hour to hour. I make plans for shared activities knowing they depend on how his day is going and may be canceled at any time. Our lives have become very flexible out of necessity. Plans for myself are also somewhat limited because I can never be sure he is going to feel well enough to be left alone so I can I go out even for just a few minutes.

Clarity even comes to the basic question of why us. Why do we have to walk this difficult path? It was not on either of our radars, and certainly not something we would have chosen. Was there something somewhere that would have led to a different outcome? If we could know the why, perhaps it would help us accept the reality. And perhaps that knowledge could keep others from facing these challenges in the future. For now, I simply keep fighting through the fog and hope for a good day. It’s all we can do.